New jokes for stand-up comedians 2013

If you are a budding comedian and are looking for new material to adapt for your act, then this latest release is full of quick gags. It's also handy for professionals too, who can imaginatively create new works from the content in this book. Witty examples: My wife and I were happy for thirty years... then we met. I replaced headlights on my car with strobe lights, now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I spilled spot remover on my dog. I've no idea where he is. I'm feeling tired today, there's too much blood in my caffeine system. In New York I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? I make my wine out of raisins so I don't have to wait for it to age. I bought an old car, it had an answering machine fitted. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and find a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. The Stones, yeah, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Wilma, Fred... I went to an eye doctor and discovered I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house but four people died. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you wake up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. My wife said she faked her orgasms, so I said I'd faked the entire relationship. If anyone here believes in telekinesis, please raise my hand.