New jokes for stand-up comedians 2014

One liners that will prove you to be a laugh a minute! Be warned though as it is adult humor.... Examples - How can you tell when a salesman is lying? When his lips are moving. - Wonder Woman hasn't really got a cape... She just turns her apron around. - I would ask you how old you are but I know you can?t count that high. - I started to watch a film last night, a warning said "this film contains strong bloody violence", I thought, "no need to swear about it". - I like women like my computers. Virus free. - How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations. - This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. - A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it. - Voldemort has a flat face because he ran into the wrong wall at the station. - One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out. - You never see anybody in the Star Wars franchise smoking a cigarette. Although rumor has it that one of the characters does chew baccy. - Your sister's so ugly dogs hump her legs with their eyes closed. - Today I feel as worn out as a cucumber in a convent. - Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. - I recently realized that Shrek's head looks amazingly similar to the female reproductive system. Oh how I laughed when I watched the film to see a green talking vagina. - My wife said she wanted to try some role-play in the bedroom and bought me a police costume. That night I was nowhere to be seen and eventually arrived about an hour after the event. - My girlfriend said "You just went through a red traffic light? that's illegal!" I replied "Can?t be? the police car behind me has just done it too!" - Got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick? but the boss talked me out of it. - The government wants more police on the streets. There will be after all the job cuts. - A drunk was staggering along one night? dragging a piece of string along behind him. A passing copper asked? "Why are you dragging that piece of string?" The drunk replied? "it?s a damn sight easier than pushing it". - I was walking past my local community board the other day, where I spotted a sign that said, 'Women Against Sexism Workshop'. I thought, "Workshop? That's no place for a woman." - A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." - Women say there's not enough women in comedy - I agree - the only time I see women do a good gag is in pornography. - My last girlfriend used to drive me up the wall. Cost us a fortune in repairs.