New jokes for stand-up comedians 2012

A book full of jokes ideal for customizing to whatever comedy, from professional standups to those whose friends will think they're incredibly funny thanks to these quick firing jokes. A few examples: - I'm releasing my autobiography this year. But to sell more units I'm going to call it "Harry Potter and the DaVinci book of Sudoku in 50 Shades". - My wife is going to leave me in four weeks because my psychic abilities frighten her. - I'm the type of guy who stops a microwave at one second, just to feel like a bomb disposal expert. - A friend of mine called me posh. Needless to say, I had the butler show him to the door. - Last winter I noticed our elderly neighbor had crafted a very realistic snow sculpture of a woman lying on her driveway. It wasn't there the next day though. - So I found out last night when a bouncer asks you, "How much have had you had to drink tonight?" "Not enough to take you home," is not a good response. - I've been teaching my dog to dance, he's useless. He's has two left feet. - I've just finished writing a 500 page novel using invisible ink. Unfortunately, I didn't realize my pen ran out after the second page. - Churchill had the V for victory sign Hitler had the Nazi salute. And we all know scissors beats paper. - I bought my son batteries for his birthday and wrote on the side "Toys not included". - You know, today someone complimented me on my driving. They left a little note on my windscreen which said 'parking fine'. That was nice. - When I was young, I told my father I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor. - Never hit a man with glasses. Use a baseball bat.